What Service!

It is the absolute norm in South Africa to moan about what crummy we service we receive (or don't) from anyone who is supposed to be providing a service but today I have to sing the praises of one service industry: P G Glass!!! I had a double crack right across my drivers side of the windscreen of my car ( I have had it for ages but decided to do something about it before we drive to Cape Town in January) and last year had the windscreen replaced VERY BADLY by Glassfit in Rustenburg. So this time we tried PG Glass. OAP phoned PG's service centre and asked where our nearest (bar Rustenburg) centre was and how much would we have to pay, etc. They took all our details of insurance company, address, etc. and ............. suddenly arrived HERE IN THE BUSH to replace my windscreen, properly, efficiently, pleasantly and FREEEEEE!! Can you believe it? Neither can we and we are still waiting for the other shoe to drop! Maybe the insurance company will phone and tell us there's been a mistake or something and we will have to pay an excess? But I now have a wonderful, clean, crack-free windscreen in my car. Don't know for how long as last time my perfect windscreen only lasted a week before a truck lobbed a stone at us and made a hole which developed into the double crack. We were too embarrassed to phone the insurance company and ask for it to be done again!

Slaving away in the bush

I wonder what BP15's last slave died of? Yesterday I decided to refurbish the upstairs balcony decking which had gone a rather grimy shade of black with mildew and dust, etc. I bought, at great expense, some stuff you paint on and it miraculously turns the wood back to the shade it was originally - NOT! When I re-read the instructions on the can, after slurping liberally over the whole deck, I realised it had said to only do small sections at a time and with a pot scourer - scrub it!! Oh Bugger! I got a bucket of water and discovered that if you re-wet the stuff it was easy enough to scrub with the pot scourer but filthy, slimy and needed washing off immediately or it dried again in lumps. It took me the whole of the morning in the boiling sun and when I had finished finally, dragged the hosepipe upstairs and washed it off with a hard, fine spray and went downstairs I realised that the whole stoep beneath was covered in the stuff and in pools of grey water. So I had to wipe down, rinse off and hose the stoep as well. By the time I had finished it was time for lunch - big mistake, sitting down for an hour as when I tried to stand up and walk I had stiffened into a sitting position! Anyway this morning I loosened up by applying a coat of yacht varnish and then had breakfast. BP15 (Beloved Partner of 15 years) went up to inspect my handiwork and came bouncing down saying "I reckon you could apply another coat now before we go out" (what? before I make the kebabs and salads for the braai we are going to? before I have a shower? before I make the bed and tidy the house?) no wonder he never managed to sustain a long-term relationship EVER before! I am just too lazy to start all over again on my own!!
Sitting drinking sundowners out back a couple of days ago, watching the Weaver birds in the Fever Tree getting ready for bed, we suddenly saw a Boomslang making its way along the thorny branches towards a nest. As the snake got towards the end of the branch it would sag alarmingly taking the snake further from the nest. SO it would turn back and try another branch and another nest but always coming back to one where I knew an egg or a baby was (I'd seen the mommy weaver taking food in there during the day). Eventually it found the way along the branch the nest was hanging from and as it slid onto the actual nest we could hear the mommy squawking inside. As the snake got to the entrance the bird flew out, highly agitated, and into the next tree. In went half the snake and stayed there for about 10 minutes after which it came out and went off to investigate the other nests. By this time we had run and got a torch as it was too hard to see anymore. Next morning the weavers pulled those nests the snake had touched off the tree and for a few days no birds were seen at the tree. This morning a male weaver was back pulling still more nests apart and it's with great hopes that we will watch to see if they build more and raise more babies. I am racking my brains for a way to stop the snakes from going in the tree, but I think in vain. Last year we saw a snake and a mongoose in the same tree so it's obviously well known to the local wild life! Last night we had a braai and threw our chop bones over the stoep into the veld below and were lucky enough to see a Greater Spotted Genet eating the bones later.
We've had loads of rain and the river is rushing contentedly past, clean and cool but we haven't had flooding as in past years. Beloved Grandson is only about an hour away (at Sun City) with his dad and I keep hoping we get a call to go and fetch him!! But I guess he's at that age where he can entertain himself as long as he has the money or the gadgets to do so!! He loves it here and Daughter #1 has booked in for the 28th to the 31st December. Can't wait!

Those Golden Arches

I now know why McDonalds took the Golden M as their logo. At each outlet they have huge (I always thought UNSIGHTLY) golden arches on the roof so they can be seen from way off. Cars filled with kids and normally overweight adults hone in on these arches like the three wise men following the Star to Jesus' manger. So these people come from afar to pay homage at the great windows of McDonalds. Well .... they come to pay anyway. Both in filthy lucre and, afterwards, in heartburn and another couple of kilos! But I must not knock this establishment too much as I too have paid homage at the knees of Ronald McDonald. It happened like this:........

Having dropped my OAP at a buddies office so they could have lunch together I was at a loose end but with a car filled with 3 laptop computers, cameras, binoculars, etc. etc. Since our burglary in July we never leave these items at home. They get dragged everywhere and you should see the faces of those who are brave enough to invite us to stay for a night or two! We look as if we are coming for months as we offload the car into the guest room. Number One: we can plug everything into someone else's electricity supply and charge everything up, from the computers to the rechargeable storm lantern! Number 2: I have normally got a problem with one or other of my many gadgets and need someone to help me put it right again. And Number 3 we get a better internet signal in town so we can do our email or go off to a Mugg and Bean and use the WiFi.

Anyway - back to the story - the OAP instructed me not to leave the car under any circumstances which meant my finding a bite of lunch hard to imagine. I decided to program my Garmin into finding me the nearest Drive Thru (as they are so quaintly called) but unfortunately this was one of the gadgets I'd managed to mess up! It is also my MP3 player and I had downloaded 200 english podcasts onto its memory instead of onto the storage card, therefore said gadget refused to work ANY program until I removed them. So I began aimlessly driving around in ever increasing circles thinking this was going to be the most expensive lunch EVER as petrol went up the other night 25c per litre. Then Daughter No 1 phoned and I explained my dilemma (hard to explain where you are when you don't really know but she is excellent at deciphering my vague ramblings) and she was trying to locate a place I could go when ............

I saw in the FAAAAR distance THE GOLDEN ARCHES! I must have been at least 5km away but there they were and I zoomed in and took my place in a really long queue of cars. Thinking this was going to take forever I got my book out, but to my annoyance didn't have a chance to read as the cars moved forward with great rapidity and soon I found myself at a window without a clue what to order. The lady on the other side was ever so nice and suggested a Crispy Chicken Burger, a medium chips and a Coke Lite (just to make me feel I was sticking to my diet!) then she told me to move on to the next window where I parted with the better part of R50 and then to the last window where I was given a vast brown bag containing my lunch.

As it was steaming hot outside with the sun beating down remorslessly I sought the shade of the only tree left standing within 50 km which happened to be in the carpark for employees fo a huge department store. Someone must have moved from the spot only minutes earlier so I grabbed the spot, opened my brown bag and my book and blissfully ate the best lunch I have had for months!!

teaching an old dog new tricks...

This is Utopia. More than just a location...

The Joys (?) of Living in the Bush

Having arrived back from the sophistication of having electricity, running water and an adsl line in the Swiss apartment it's a bit of a rude shock to come home to "snakeville", about 30 minutes from the metropolis of Rustenburg (other name: Thicksburg). Utopia (or Dystopia as us permanent residents call it) is undergoing massive changes and yet, in the past 15 years, nothing changes! Today is my wash day - washing is done at the main buildings on Dystopia where there is Eskom power (sometimes) and running water (sometimes). But last week the pump which sends the water from the Sterkstroom river to the reservoirs on the hill, broke, couldn't be fixed and, of course, Dystopia's spare pump was also broken!! We have a new manager - the last 10 have been fired for drinking on duty, abusing the black staff, and being total wankers (pardon me). This poor chap, Andries Pretorius, (yes, I know, but give the poor guy a break!) has only been here for 3 weeks and in his short time the road across the dam has almost collapsed, a chalet burnt down while he stood and watched (unable to believe his eyes that it happens so fast) and now no water in the reservoirs. The weekend was a busy one too with lots of people coming out to enjoy the peace and tranquillity of our little bit of heaven! Anyway he managed to talk the Board into buying a new pump and it was installed yesterday and pumped all night but when I came to the laundry this am there was still no water! I had a 20 litre and a 5 litre container so slogged back and forth to the nearest working tap (being Dystopia there is no logic in why some parts of the property have water and some parts don't) filling them and pouring it into the machines. It took me 3 hours to get 2 loads done by which time Andries had discovered a little known (to him) valve that allowed the water to flow to the laundry. He turned it on and lo there was water, although it looked more like chocolate malt for the first 15 minutes. Luckily with the white wash safely on the line and only darks and khakis in the machines it doesn't really matter.
Weekly wash is now done and I have clean (if a nasty shade of khaki) knickers to wear again! That's what makes it so nice to travel overseas once or twice a year - things which are almost insurmountable here are so easy there!
Our other problem is our solar power - it worked perfectly before we left and now is as temperamental as a prima ballerina. We are watching the Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin on DVD in the evenings as our telly was stolen in July and we haven't yet replaced it. We can only watch for an hour before the Computer loses power and our solar system seems to battle to recharge. So each morning I schlep the computers to the main buildings and plug them all in for a charge. Meanwhile OAP is manfully trying to sort out the problem.
Eldest Daughter and Favourite Grandson are travelling with me to Switzerland for a spot of snow and Paris for a spot of Disney in February. We are all so excited and in this tremendous heat I can think of nothing better than snow. When I am there I can't wait to get back to the heat! Must be my age - there is no pleasing me!

Milking Time!

Have you seen the TV program about the British farmers who have the absolute latest in technology for dairy farming? We watched, open mouthed, the other night. These two brothers have a normal dairy herd that comes into the milking parlour twice a day to be milked the normal way - the cows are herded in from the fields morning and evening, they go into their usual stalls with a bit of pushing and shoving if another is stupid enough to go into the wrong place. They have their udders washed by the farmers before the electronic milking machine is put onto the teats by hand - herd of 30 cows, each with 4 teats, you do the math! The farmers have to, by hand, put the right amount of feed for each cow into the troughs and, once milked, the herd has to be let out to pasture again and the dairy cleaned.

Down the road is the brothers NEW dairy and another herd of about 30 cows! THIS one is SO different from the norm. The cows go in when THEY feel like being milked! They pass through a doorway that robotically reads a chip in their ear and knows which cow it is, what her yield was last milking, what time she last came in, how much feed she should be getting and drops that amount into the trough. The robot washes her teats, fits her with the suction cups and her milk yield gets measured and logged. There is also a huge rotary stiff brush that scratches her head and neck should she want it!! Apparently the cows just LOVE this new approach to milking and the yield at the robotically run dairy is 30% higher than in the "old fashioned" one. I say old fashioned in inverted commas because I can STILL remember cows being milked by hand!! THAT gives my age away!

E Tickets

Am i old fashioned or what? Why do I find it so hard to believe that, if I have booked an air ticket on-line, the ground staff will actually let me on the plane? It's not as if its the first e-ticket I have booked either. The first time I stood in the queue at the airline desk clutching a sheet of paper in my hand and was not even asked for any proof that I had booked on-line, just my ID (it was a domestic flight) and that was it. Then the next one needed my passport, even though I had printed out my e-ticket. But they always seem to move the goal posts slightly - just when I had become complacent, Easy Jet now send an email asking for the passport details for both of us. Without these, the email says, we will not be allowed to board the plane. SO more anguish - what if I accidentally type in a wrong number (being elderly, deaf, short-sighted, this is a strong possibility!), R's worry - what if the email is not from EasyJet at all but someone after our secret details. It's a complicated flight pattern too - to join our Norwegian cruise we need to get to Edinburgh (that was the cheapest way to do this trip) so it's a taxi from here at 6.30 am (what if my French is not good enough and the taxi misunderstands me and doesn't arrive in time?) train from the village below to connect with the mainline train to Geneva airport, EasyJet to Edinburgh (if they let us on the plane), spend the night in the Pirie hotel (if my ebooking is valid), up again next morning at crack of .., bus to airport and Scandinavian airways to Copenhagen, Copenhagen to Bergen, airport to docks and then we can relax once we are on board and safely in our cabin. 10 days later we do it all in reverse!! We were beginning to panic as the cruise people had sent us both a packet of travel documents which never arrived and an email with all the documents which I didn't realise were our travel docs and didn't try to download them for 2 weeks, and then the email had expired!! Anyway the replacement package arrived this morning so we have those safely in hand. All we need now is an early season iceberg!! Just kidding!

Two weeks before the Wedding of the Year between Golden Boy and Gisela (now, thanks to the MC, to be forever known as Kevin and Isabella) we had a burglary. I won't go into the gory details except to say that my gun was taken along with other stuff, actually they must have thought my gun was the jackpot in what must have seemed like a raid on a second hand junk shop! The police, who couldn't care less about the burglary, promptly slapped me with a sapoena to appear in court on charges of "Negligence of a Firearm"! The darn thing was in my bed where I'd slept with it the night before and upon waking in the morning I was so darn relieved to see the sun that I totally forgot it. That was the day the burglars decided to hit us.
I had to appear in court on the Thursday when the case was remanded until the 28th July. This was a problem as I was staying in Joburg with Daughter No.1 until I left for Switzerland on the 3rd August. Luckily our kind neighbours took me in on the Monday night so that I could be in Rustenburg court by 8.30 the following morning.
The woman judge looked out of place with her black tresses highlighted with neon red and sporting a long lime green extension. I had the feeling she would have preferred to straddling a Harley than sitting on the bench. The prosecutor, when cross examining the accused, would clasp her hands and end each murmured sentence with pursed lips and closed eyes. Luckily the judge realised early on that I was hard of hearing as she asked if I had understood the little speech the prosecutor gave when it was my turn, I had to say I hadn't heard a thing! There was a translator at the front of the court (not for me) who looked like a comedian in a night club with his cheerful face, large dimples and happy smile - this even when he was saying the most awful things either to the accused or to the judge. The Clerk of the Court was as gay as anything with a white silk shirt and a long black and white striped scarf wrapped round and round his neck. He pouted and dimpled and waved to all with fluttery fingers and secret smiles and I felt a bit like Alice in Wonderland. Other court personnel and lawyers came and went during the days proceedings bowing and scraping each time they passed the bench. Ten minutes into my case the judge realised the offical papers in front of her were incorrect (if I'd had a lawyer I would probably have been dismissed then) and left for a ten minute adjournment, whereupon all hell let loose in the court! Sandwiches and cake were hauled out from under desks and a party ensued in the front of the court while the "spectators" looked on with a jaundiced eye. As soon as the door at the back of the bench opened everything was stuffed back under the tables and with much snorting and sniggering the court staff became somber again.
The upshot was a rap over the knuckles and a suspended sentence for the next 5 years as long as I don't LOSE my gun again! The police, by the way, found it when they raided the burglars house and so they have it now and whether I will ever get it back from them is another matter altogether!

Post Pole-dancing Party

Well we all survived the Hen Party and the boys all survived the Stag night! The ladies arrived about 3pm to be welcomed by a blue drink in a champagne glass rimmed with sugar! I didn't partake or I'd have been under the table before the bride arrived seeing as I haven't had alcohol for 2 years now! Later on someone was making Strawberry Daquiris and very kindly made me a virgin one which was delicious but the next one I had was definitely NOT virgin and I felt it straight away as my brain slid from side to side inside my skull. The party was great fun and the pole dancer was very talented and charismatic and Bride To Be was a real sport. I even had a go as did BTB's mother, Daughters #1 and #2 and others. I have loads of pictures but haven't a clue how to get them from my Omnia to the computer. I have a cable and thought it was just a matter of plugging in and uploading but the whole affair just sits and sulks and my laptop pretends it can't "see" the Omnia, which I know it can because it lights up when I plug the USB cable in (you see, I have the jargon but not the skills!). Anyway I did go to a quick photo shop and a print off one of the photos of BTB upside down on the shiny pole! Apart from the fact that her bum is full on to the camera its a brilliant shot! Daughter #1 was designated Mother Hen and had to go with the bridal party to a nightclub which I am sure she will tell you all about in her Blog while Daughter #2 and I stayed home and looked after the kids and (once they were all asleep) cleaned up the incredible mess left behind. Golden Boy apparently went go-cart racing before being dressed as a girl in a pink tutu and tiara and chained to a lamppost in Sandton. The rest of the "boys" divided into teams and had a "treasure map" with cryptic clues and had to find him. Shame - I believe the stripper didn't turn up at his party!!! Daughter #1's man arrived home about 11 pm looking very much the worse for wear and stood in the kitchen for nearly half an hour waiting for the kettle to boil but as I had unplugged it so I could plug my laptop in he didn't really stand much of a chance of a nice sobering cup of coffee!!! Eventually I took pity on him and unplugged my appliance and plugged in his and then I went to bed which I was sharing with Gorgeous Grandson who plastered his tiny body up against mine all night so I was scared to fall asleep in case I rolled over and squashed him (like a sow with her litter in the stye!!). Daughter #1 arrived home about half an hour later having manoevred a very drunk BTB out of toilet stall and then out of a fishpond! Before loading her into a car for the journey home.
Next morning Daughter #1 and man left for Sun City and I left for home leaving Daughter #2 with all the kids! Got home to find 3 men in their 70s acting like spotty teenagers, talking dirty and drinking like fish! Two of them left (not sure if they were planning to go quite so soon but I think my disapproving looks spurred them on their way) and I was left with PO15 all to myself. Cleaned MY house and then sat, exhausted, by a roaring log fire for a couple of hours.

PoleDancing Hen Party

Nagged by Daughter #1 into writing a new blog I decided to get it done before leaving the tranquillity of the bush for the hustle and bustle of the city and a Pole Dancing Hen Party!! Have you ever? In MY day we would have the bride around to the bridesmaids house, lay on sandwiches and a decadent cake with a bottle of bubbly and everyone would give presents like spatulas, cake tins, cookie cutters, a potato masher, tea towels and everything else to start the bride off the way she needed to go!! Barefoot and in the kitchen! Now I'm told that if I want to take smellies or lingerie I am welcome - how things have changed!! Sigh!! I was supposed to have a dress fitting this morning too but no phone call from dressmaker so I suppose she will phone on Monday when I am back here. I bought some make-up yesterday with a VERY made up Afrikaans prikkel-pop telling me what I needed - the amount of money I spent I may as well have had my face professionally done by The Bride's make-up artist. But I decided against that in case she made me look like an elderly whore of Babylon and anyway I am bound to cry it off during the ceremony! This way, I can replenish throughout the proceedings and even have some left over for another occasion - God knows what that would be but you never know.

We were burgled last week - during broad daylight! They must have been watching the house and had someone posted elsewhere to tell them we had left the property as they hit shortly after we left. They took an old computer we had left out deliberately and a camera that was broken and a watch that didn't work!!! They must have been a bit miffed with the stuff we had here especially as all the good stuff was locked in the store room or with us in the car! Partner of 15 Years (PO15) was sad because they cleaned him out of all his good whiskey and the gin left over from my birthday! The police finally arrived at 9.30pm and wandered all over touching everything so that when the fingerprint technician came the next afternoon there wasn't much worth fingerprinting! The worst of it was that with the house open we were hit my monkeys or baboons after they had left! They left the fridge and freezer doors open so most of the food was gone - the meat I presume to the more upright-walking baboons and the bread and veggies to the other primates. Next day I found all sorts of our stuff they had decided wasn't worth taking lying across the river in the bush.

Such is life her, but we are off in a couple of weeks to Switzerland, where we will lick our wounds and get over it and come back refreshed and ready to fight another day. Meanwhile PO15 is now installing the burglar alarm with siren, strobe light and pepper spray which he was supposed to instal 2 weeks ago - not that I am blaming anyone you understand?

OAP joins the blogging community

I'm always keen to try something new in the world of technology so tonight I asked daughter #1 to show me how to open a blog. Having sat like an idiot while she set it up I now don't know what to say that I won't regret tomorrow!

My 60th has just gone (thank heavens - I can now relax) and I have joined the ranks of the elderly! What do I gain? Well I get pensioners discounts at certain stores on certain days, cheaper movie tickets and entrance to botanical gardens for less! Whoo eee! Actually I don't feel any different to when I was 59, or 58 for that matter.

But my birthday was a great technological blast as I received a Samsung Omnia i900 which does everything but wash the dishes. It even has a built in Garmin which tries to tell me which way to go - but I am a pretty stubborn cuss and rarely listen to her which makes her rather confused. Most of a journey she spends her time sulking and trying to recalibrate my whereabouts. Beloved Partner of 15 years thinks she should have built in swearing capacity and be able to make threats and scream and yell when I don't listen to her. But actually I don't completely trust her so only use her when I know where I'm going! Bit of a waste but great fun.

Eldest sister and husband gave me a Nintendo with Train Your Brain on it which is also fun - especially as my brain-age at present is hovering somewhere between 29 and 40 (much better than 60). Although the other day after testing my brain I nearly had a heart attack when Dr Tamaguchi (or whatever his name is) said my brain age was 70!!! I thought my new toy must be on the blink until he suddenly said "Ha Ha. I made a mistake - your real brain age is 30" Yeah right Dr Sukiyaki - very funny.

Daughter #2 had done a painting of our house at sunset - like all her art work I shall now have it framed which will empty my bank account completely! She once painted me a huge copy of Van Gogh's Irises which cost me the equivalent of a small country's GDP to have framed. The best was a small painting of her ginger cat which only cost a couple of hundred rand to frame.

Today I managed to sign up a dress maker to make me "the perfect dress" for my son's - Golden Boy's - wedding on the 1st August. I have tried to find something perfect with no luck - the only one I liked I couldn't do the zip up, neither could anyone else. My grandson sighed and threw his hands up and said "Sorry Gran, I really tried but it's no use". Ever since then I have been trying to lose weight but it's an uphill battle especially as I really love my food. The dressmaker says I must return for a fitting next week with the underwear I intend wearing on the day. Oh boy - my enormous 38DD bra and Magic Knickers!! How sexy is that? When I bought the Magic Knickers I couldn't believe I was expected to get into something that looks like it was designed to fit a Baby Born doll. As I crashed around in the too small cubicle, lurching an elbow or a buttock out of the curtain the saleswoman poked her head in and said gaily "everything all right?" My face was crimson from bending down trying to get a foot into the other leg. She was kindness itself as she brought me a chair to sit on which was far more dignified and she showed me how to roll them like a condom onto my person. I managed to get the jolly things above my knees and there I stuck, tugging and twisting and cursing until finally they rolled above my bottom and settled around my midriff. As I was pulling them about and trying to get them to sit comfortably (stupid idea - these are not meant for comfort) I realised there was a large hole and panicked as I thought I'd ripped them. Saleslady came back and I confessed I'd damaged her goods and she laughed, adjusted them with a few deft twists and told me it was a "split crotch" because, once on you can't take them off in a hurry!! God, what we women go through to look good.

I must go and practise rolling them on so that I can do it in a nonchalent manner next week.