How to get rid of bodily hair by fart!

While I was sitting in the full sun in the car waiting for the OAP to come back from the shop I looked in the vanity mirror and saw that I had - horror of all horrors - a mustache! You know I think this is why we get short sighted as we get older - it's so we can't see all these horrible things going wrong with our bodies! So at the next pharmacy I scouted around the shelves to see what they had to remove these nasty little hairs but failed to find with anything. So I skulked off into a corner with my French/English dictionary and looked up "wax" - would you believe it was "fart"!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, there was no way in hell I was going to ask for some fart and the sales assistant was bearing down on me asking if she could help. So I explained (in excrutiating French and with graphic demonstrations) that I needed something to rip out the offending "threadlike pigmented structures that grow from follicles beneath the skin". I performed a mime of someone ripping wax from beneath my nose and she got the picture remarkably quickly. She produced a package of thin little pink wax strips that cost the equivalent of the average man's monthly salary and I scuttled off back to the car with them. On arrival back home I locked myself in the bathroom and pressed one of the strips beneath my nose and ripped it off again before I could chicken out of the operation. The worst one was the second side as I knew what to expect! OAP banged on the door and asked if I was OK and I snapped his head off and said I was fine! Half an hour later - hairless as a Mexican Hairless dog - I sauntered into the lounge and sat down on the settee where OAP was watching telly. After a few minutes I could feel him eyeballing me but ignored him until he cleared his throat and asked (terrified for his life I should imagine) what was wrong with my face. I casually tossed off that I had removed the odd hair or two and he answered "must have been very odd" - by this time my lips felt funny so after a bit I went back to the bathroom and looked at myself to see my whole top lip had swollen to about four times its normal size!!!!!!!!!!! Not doing THAT again - anyone want some VERY EXPENSIVE fart strips?